My best friend Morgan loves to take pictures. That’s actually probably an understatement. You’d really have to talk to her to understand exactly what photography means to her. I’m really just telling you this because I realize it may seem strange to some people when Morgan takes pictures of me.
So whenever she gets the pictures developed (yes, she still uses film; you’d have to ask her about that to understand that, too), she gets them put on a CD and will email them to me. I always have mixed feelings about the pictures. Morgan takes beautiful photographs, there’s no doubt about that. Still, I find myself picking out the flaws in me. Every single time, I’ll find myself thinking I really should lose at least 20 pounds before I let her take more pictures of me. And somehow, those 20 pounds have just not come.
This post is really hard for me to write because I’m just not used to being completely real to very many people. There are probably only a couple people who truly know me and everything about me. My heart is beating faster just writing this (does that count as a workout? sorry, I make stupid jokes when I’m nervous, apparently). This is going to sound really strange, but sometimes I’m just not honest with people because want to spare them any worry or pain. It’s like that old scenario where you’re friend buys a really ugly shirt and asks whether you like it or not. Do you tell them the truth and hurt their feelings or lie and say it’s a nice shirt? Well I’m the kind of person who would tell them it’s a nice shirt. Not really sure what that says about me? I’d like to think of myself as a good person, but we all have our faults.
I know it seems like I got off topic but I promise there’s a connection, so back to the pictures. I think the one above really tells something about me. That’s one thing Morgan is really good at—telling stories with her photographs. In the picture, I’m kind of hiding. I hide a lot in life. I hide my feelings from my family because I don’t want them to worry. I hide things from friends because I don’t want to burden them. Even on this blog that is supposed to be all about me, I’ve hidden things because I don’t want to be that girl that you roll yours eyes at.
Well I’m going to try not to hide anymore. That’s not going to be an easy thing for me. It’s not going to happen overnight, over a week, or even over a month. It’s how I’ve lived my life for the past 21 years, so it’s going to take a while to quit.
My first confession: I’m addicted to food. That was hard to write, but it probably doesn’t come as a surprise. I’m overweight and it’s not because of anything medical, so of course I’m addicted to food. I’ve been afraid to write this because I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like putting myself out there to possibly be criticized. I don’t do well with criticism, which is another one of my faults (but really, who likes criticism?).
Well, that’s about all I’ve got for now. I’m wrestling with the idea of posting my weight on here. I’m really not sure what I weight right now. I haven’t weighed since January. I’m a little scared. I know it’s not the number that’s important, but how you feel but I really think posting my weight for anyone to see could help me.
If you’ve read all of this, thank you.